Sorry
by TwoStepsBehind
Summary: And then one day, he died. Just like that. Without a goodbye. He wasn't supposed to die. We had so many plans… and then one day it all changed. Sirius tells Liz his side of the story. Part eight in my series. Please read and review.


**A/N:** Part eight in my series.

Sirius explains his side of the story.

**Disclaimer:** I own the characters you don't recognize.

The ones you do recognize are J.K. Rowling's.

The song is by Buckcherry.

Sorry

**Oh I had a lot to say  
Was thinking on my time away  
I missed you and things weren't the same  
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right  
And when I see you cry it makes me wanna die.  
**

As Sirius walked up to her door, he clenched his fists unconsciously, hoping he had the strength the say everything that he felt. Hesitantly he lifted his right hand and knocked on her door three times.

Footsteps sounded on the hardwood floor, getting louder as she neared the door and then the door opened, just a crack. A single red rimmed eye was visible through the crack, on that sent a pang of sadness to his heart and a husky voice said, "Go away Sirius. I don't want to talk to you."

He knew she wouldn't want to talk to him, or even see him for a while. He knew hard it had been for her to say all those things, emotional outbursts weren't her style.

"Come on Laye, let me in." He insisted.

She muttered something that sounded suspiciously like, "Like hell." And moved the close the door. A move he anticipated as he shoved his foot through the crack and pushed the door. The movement threw her back and the door opened.

He was in.

Now for the tough part, to get her to listen.

"What the hell is that matter with you? It's the middle of the night and I don't want to talk to you right now. I want to sleep." She walked up to the door and held it open for him.

Ignoring her, he walked to the window seat and sat down.

She sighed, "If you aren't going to leave, then I will."

But he was prepared for that as well. Swiftly he drew his wand and waved the door shut and locked it for good measure.

He heard her take a deep breath to calm herself down, something she did only when she was really pissed. Well he preferred her to be spitting mad than utterly sad and broken hearted.

"Open. The. Door." She bit out.

He looked away at her and finally spoke, "It's a simple spell. If you're that desperate to leave open the door yourself. Heck you can even orb out."

All this while she had been glaring at him, but the moment he told her to use magic on her own, she looked away, her hands fiddling with the hem of her t-shirt.

"Sirius, please." She pleaded, her voice cracking at the end.

His brows creased in a frown as he set down his wand and walked towards her. She was staring at the floor, her fingers still nervously picking at the hem. He covered her tiny hands with his large hand and with the other he tilted her chin to meet his eyes, "Why can't you use your own magic. Take out your wand, break the door with your telekinesis or orb out of here." She averted her eyes so he moved into her line of vision, "Do it, Laye."

She jerked away from him and moved back, only to bump into the wall. Smirking he moved forward and placed his hands on either side of her, effectively blocking her escape route.

"What did you do?" He breathed.

"What do you think I did?" She challenged.

"You…" His eyes brightened, but he shook his head, "You wouldn't."

"Wouldn't I? What good did it ever do anyway? It didn't save my family, my friends… it's what destroyed everything in the first place. I've never been happier." The anger in her voice scared him. Liz had always been the kind of person who was in control of her emotions, much like Remus. The bitterness, the anger… He had never seen her this way. This wasn't his Laye.

"So you tried to erase a part of you… something that makes you who you are? You have blocked it, Laye; you haven't gotten rid of it. It's still within you." He had to make her see reason.

"There are a lot of things inside me Sirius… most of them are nothing but dead memories. Magic is one of them. Right there next to Lily, James, Grams… and everyone I ever cared about."

"When did you get so angry?" He asked; his voice disbelieving.

"When I realized just how helpless I was. I could do nothing but watch everyone around me get destroyed… nothing that I could do, did, ever made a difference." Regret seeped into her tone.

"You made a difference in my life. You changed me, Laye. You helped me." He leaned closer and whispered.

She just scoffed.

"I have some things to tell you. Will you listen?"

She didn't say anything, he saw her jaw clench.

"Please." he whispered. "You told me some things and now it's my turn."

Sirius could see the inner turmoil, the battle that she fought with herself as she nodded tightly.

"Okay then, why don't you take a seat?" He motioned towards the bed.

Pursing her lips, she took a seat on the bed, her knee brushing the night stand next to it.

Sirius cleared his throat and pulled out the piece of paper. Yes, in order to get everything out he had written it out, just to organize his thoughts better.

Taking a deep breath he started to speak, "James and I first met on the train the first time we were going to Hogwarts. I had gotten myself a compartment all by myself. I had been alone for about an hour or so, trying to convince myself that I should hate the muggles for entering our world, a world that wasn't meant for them. Magic was inherited and the ones who had it despite the fact that no one in their family ever showing any signs of it was unnatural and unacceptable. I ignored every other thought in my mind, the ones of my Uncle Alphard and Andy… I just wanted to convince myself long enough so that the Sorting Hat would put me in Slytherin. My dad had warned me in his special way that if I ended up in any house other than Slytherin I'd have hell to pay for." He was pacing and the thought of my father, even after all these years, was painful.

Thinking of the matter at hand, he pushed those thoughts aside and continued, "But every time I thought I had convinced myself this one thought would enter my mind. And it was that people who showed magical abilities despite the fact that no one in their family was magical was something remarkable. It showed just how special they were, having the ability to do something no one else could. What makes purebloods think that they are better than the rest of the magical community is something I can never understand, something I never understood. We have the power because our parents had it. It's just a legacy, something that we didn't earn, something that we never worked for. They were just handed to me because my damn parents had it and their parents had it before them. So that didn't make me better than the muggles, it just made me luckier. But they, they have to have something special in them that makes them magical." Sirius had only spoken about this to his family and after their reactions to many forms of this one speech he had never spoken about it again, only feeling it inside. His body was tense, as if waiting for the blow to strike him, like it always did before.

"My family obviously didn't think so and they tried several ways to change my opinion but it never worked. I remember being scared after I had given up trying to change something in a couple of minutes that couldn't be forcefully changed for the previous eleven years. I was just so scared. That's when the compartment door burst open and this awkward kid with glasses and the most untidy hair I had ever seen entered the compartment, dragging a heavy looking trunk. He introduced himself as James Potter and stuck out his hand. For a couple of seconds I just stared at that hand. Everyone I had ever met had always asked me my name and then when they had heard it they would get this look in their eyes, it was the kind of respect that they didn't really want to give me but they knew they had too. I told him my name was Sirius Black. But his expression didn't change, he didn't look disgusted or scared or anything. His grin just widened, so I shook his hand. After that we played Exploding Snap and discussed the Quidditch league. We didn't talk about how our families were rivals or anything of that sort. The whole train ride we just laughed and joked, eventually meeting Remus and inviting him to sit with us and saving Peter's hide, after which he didn't stop following us. Those couple of hours that I spent on that train, Liz," Sirius trailed off as he remembered that ride, "the companionship… for the first time I felt like I belonged. I didn't speak much to Peter, because he got that look everyone else did or Remus much…. Cause I didn't know what to say. But with James, he would ask me things… tell me things. He made meeting people easy for me, he loved me like a brother, you know. Through him I became friends with Remus and Peter. I might hate that bastard with everything I have now, but then, I would have killed for him. For either one of them, but for James, I would have died for him. For a long time people around me, my own family, kept telling me how worthless I was, how I was shaming them. But I had met a person who didn't have to like me, who didn't have to be with me but he still was. People who were supposed to love me didn't but he still accepted me. He was the first one you know. It was because of him that I made such amazing friends. If it hadn't been for him and his relationship with Lily I would never have met you." Sirius stopped pacing and shoved his hands into his front pockets. When he turned around to face Liz he saw her looking at his with this expression on her face that he couldn't read. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, Sirius told himself and started to speak again. "And then one day, he died. Just like that. Without a goodbye… fuck that. It wasn't his time." A lump formed in his throat but he didn't stop speaking. "We had so many plans… His kids and mine were going to get married. That way we'd truly become family one day. We were supposed to tour Europe together… and then one day it all changed."

He walked up to her and crouched down in front of her, placing my hands over hers which were resting on her knees, "I didn't mean to hurt you, Laye. I did love you, so much. But I loved him too. And he was dead because of me. If I hadn't insisted on making Peter the secret keeper, this would never have happened. So I had to do something. I wasn't thinking straight Liz. How could I when a part of me was dead?" Finally a tear found its way down Sirius' cheek. Liz untangled her hand from his and wiped the tear with her thumb. "Every single day I would think about what I had done, wishing I had told you that Peter was the secret keeper. But I didn't want you to be burdened with the secret. Everyday I wished I had come to you first… I wish I could say that if I could turn back time I would do things differently, but I can't. I really wanted to kill him then and I want to kill him now. But that never meant I didn't love you. How stupid are you?" He demanded. "I'm sorry I left you all alone, Laye. I just… I lost everything that day too. James, Lily… you, baby Harry," Sirius grinned as he listed the next thing, "my bike." That elicited a chuckle from her too, though it kind of sounded like a sob.

**I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue  
I'm sorry about all the things I said to you  
And I know I can't take it back  
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds  
And baby the way you make my world go 'round**

Sirius looked deep into her eyes, stormy grey meeting crystalline blue, hoping his eyes would convey the rest that he was too afraid to say. "You have to understand that I never meant to hurt you." He spoke with such conviction in his voice, what other choice did Liz have but to believe him. "I shouldn't have said half the things I said, if not all of them. I couldn't sleep and I was crabby. I'm sorry." Liz whispered, staring at their tangled hands. Sirius couldn't believe what she was saying. Frustrated he leaned over and cupped her face with his hands and spoke forcefully, "You did nothing wrong Liz. I will not have you think otherwise. God only knows for how long you've been living with all those feelings and I'm glad they are out in the open."

Liz nodded, "For a while. But lots of lives changed that day Sirius. You lost people, I lost people. But I ran away. Leaving Harry and Remus. Trying to kill the magic in me. I have been so wrapped up in my own misery… I've been so selfish." She whispered.

Sirius pressed his palms against her cheek, hoping the gesture and his words would be enough for her, "Liz, you're anything but selfish. Like you said, you life changed so drastically so abruptly. Who would blame you for leaving. What matters that you're here now. Remus doesn't blame you, neither do the Weasley's and in time Harry will understand too. Just remember you're not alone anymore."

She looked deep into his eyes, something that made his breath catch in his chest, "It would do you well to remember it too."

The breath escaped with a whoosh and he smiled and got up. "Well now that that's over." He nodded a her, "Try and get some sleep. We'll unpack later."

He walked to the window seat to retrieve his wand as she said, "I really don't think I can sleep."

He was at the door when he turned around, "Try. You'll need your strength. Molly has declared war on this house and all the dirt in it. No one escapes cleaning duty." He shuddered.

She laughed, "I didn't think anyone would."

"'Night Sirius." She called.

"Goodnight Laye." He spoke, a soft look in his eyes.

And then he closed the door behind him.

**And I just wanted to say I'm sorry. **

**A/N:** So, what did you think?


End file.
